A roast, every Friday
Your LinkedIn is cringe.
We'll prove it, weekly.
Hand over your profile, pick a persona, and every Friday at 9am local time we'll email you a brutally funny roast of your online presence. Screenshot-worthy. Unsubscribe whenever.
3 free roasts before paying — no credit card needed
Cancel anytime. $7.99/mo. No long-term commitment. Unlike your LinkedIn.
Three real roasts, three real voices
These are pre-written samples to show the tone. Your weekly roast is custom, based on what you give us.
Lord Pemberton
LinkedIn: 'Founder (in stealth) | Angel Investor | Dad'
One has, over the course of a trying Tuesday, examined the correspondent's professional register, and I confess I emerged rather bewildered. He describes himself as a founder 'in stealth', which I gather is the modern manner of saying one has not done the thing. He is also an 'angel investor', which I presume means he has at some point given five hundred dollars to a schoolfriend. One wishes him well, sincerely, and recommends a long walk in weather inconvenient enough to prevent further posting.
Marcus from Brooklyn
Instagram: soft-launch boyfriend, matcha lattes, 'a little day in my life'
She soft-launched a boyfriend. It's a photo of the back of a man's head. You can't even ID him in a lineup. She's basically saying 'I am in a relationship with a scalp, and you'll meet him when I'm emotionally ready.' And somewhere, right now, that dude with the back of his head is out here thinking he's safe. He's not. She's got eleven more photos queued. Run, my guy. Run in focus.
Nana Ruth
Bio: 'Serial founder. Ex-Google. 3x marathoner. Girl dad.'
Well look at you. You have packed an entire life into four phrases. 'Ex-Google.' Honey, at some point we have got to let the old jobs rest. Earl worked thirty-one years at the plant and he does not introduce himself as 'ex-plant'. He introduces himself as Earl. You're doing great, sweetheart. Really. — Nana Ruth
Pick your roaster
Four characters. One will feel personal. You'll know.
Lord Pemberton
A British aristocrat who finds your LinkedIn exhausting. Dry, unhurried, quietly devastating.
“One has, over the course of a trying Tuesday, examined the correspondent's professional register, and I confess I emerged rather bewildered.”
Marcus from Brooklyn
Eleven years of stand-up. Doing five minutes on your feed at a Tuesday open mic that doesn't quite pay.
“She soft-launched a boyfriend. It's a photo of the back of a man's head. You can't even ID him in a lineup.”
Camille
A French writer, above a café, who is concerned about you in a way that is more wounding than mockery.
“'Healing in public.' I read this three times. It is, I think, the purest possible statement of our era.”
Premium only
Nana Ruth
76, Macon, Georgia. Married to Earl since '69. Deceptively sweet, devastating in the middle.
“Honey, I read your page over coffee this morning and I told Earl, I said 'Earl, this young man is thriving.'”
Premium only
Ivy "The Sniper"
Deadpan one-liners with surgical timing. Minimal setup, maximum sting, no wasted words.
“You built a personal brand so fragile it needs two ring lights and a backup personality.”
Otis Detail Assassin
Hyper-observational roast mechanic. Pulls one tiny detail, then turns it into a full character indictment.
“That motivational quote in your bio is doing all the emotional labor your captions keep dodging.”
Premium only
Mira Soft Blade
Polite tone, brutal subtext. Reads caring on the surface and devastating in the aftertaste.
“I support your growth journey; I just didn't know it required this much public evidence.”
Premium only
Priced like a cup of coffee that insults you
Basic
On-demand roasts whenever you want them. Two voices. Friday email if you still want it.
$7.99/mo
- • 30 roasts / month (10 with image input)
- • Lord Pemberton & Marcus from Brooklyn
- • Friday 9am local weekly email
- • NSFW mode (profanity allowed; safety rules still hold)
- • Shareable roast cards (watermarked)
- • Keeps your last 100 roasts
- • Cancel anytime in one click
Premium
Everything in Basic, plus the two Premium personas, the biggest quotas, and watermark-free share cards.
$14.99/mo
- • 100 roasts / month (30 with image input)
- • All 4 personas — including Camille & Nana Ruth
- • Weekly email rotates all personas
- • NSFW mode (profanity allowed; safety rules still hold)
- • Watermark-free share cards
- • Unlimited archive
- • Cancel anytime in one click
What we will never do
The meanness has rules. Every roast passes a safety check before it reaches your inbox.
- — No jokes about race, religion, sexuality, gender identity, disability, or nationality.
- — No references to real people in your profile (boss, ex, family).
- — Nothing sexual about you.
- — Nothing about self-harm, suicide, eating disorders, or addiction. If we detect indicators of a hard week, we pause the roast and send a quiet check-in instead.